Skippy's List The Original
Skippy's List The Sequel Skippy's List Three
Hi,
Some friends on the Armour Archive are making a "SCA Skippy List" for the SCA. Look at www.skippyslist.com for a reference. Oddly enough, most of these have apparently happened.
1. Sir Skippy promises to "wear appropriate clothes in Their Majesties presence." This covers the time where I wore nothing but a lime green bath towel to a chiv meeting... and yes, it was rather drafty...
2. Full-body woad, by itself, is not garb.
3. I will not ask a duke, "So what are you going to do about it" when both of us are in armor.
4. Skippy will not wear his/her spurs in bed.
5. While baby-sitting Squire Skippy knight's daughter, s/he will not teach her any dirty words to call daddy.
6. Squire Skippy is not allowed to borrow his knight’s armour and go insult the Tuchuxs, then return the armour to his knight in time for the great field battle at Pennsic.
7. Apprentice Skippy is not allowed to demonstrate vat dyeing or the making of niello upwind of his Laurel at *ANY* time.
8. Sir Skippy may not duct tape his athletic cup to his flesh so he can go fighting.
9. Laurel Skippy will not make a set of "boffer" spurs for a Knight so he could wear them on his water bed...
10. Even as a Christmas present.
11. Even if the Knight thought he was going to have to call the EMTs due to his wife laughing so hard.
12. Equestrian Skippy is no longer permitted to tell the SEM he is disconnected from reality.
13. Even if s/he is allowed to produce pictures and videotape to prove it.
14. Skippy is no longer allowed to use logic in arguments with Society officers. If God had wanted my view to prevail He would have made me an officer.
15. Duct tape is an unacceptable armor construction material.
16. No matter how thick Skippy layer it.
17. Simply writing the words "douche bag" on an A&S form is not proper feedback, even if it is in Latin or runes.
18. Man-at-arms Skippy is not allowed to play monopoly in his tent with his lady while giggling, making the barony think he and his lady are getting it on within..
19. "Kill them all. God will know his own." is not an acceptable form of pep-talk to squires before a tournament.
20. Must not teach children to reflexively yell, "light!" whenever they bump into things.
21. Fighter is not allowed to strew pitch on the field, and not allowed under any circumstances to light arrows on fire to make a battle "more historical AND interesting"
22. If, in planning for a battle, an idea makes Skippy giggle for more than 15 seconds, s/he should assume Skippy is not allowed to use it.
23. If an idea makes Nissan Maxima or Sir Vitus giggle for more than 15 seconds, notify emergency personnel immediately.
24. The Coopers do not accept claims of sovereign territory.
25. Skippy is not allowed to let his/her squire brother "kill" the army commander right after orders are given before a major battle.
26. Even if it is deserved.
27. Even if he is first in line.
28. Skippy is not allowed to use any of my squire brothers as collateral for a bet.
29. Or payment of a bet.
30. Even for beer.
31. Skippy is not allowed to put a member of my fighting unit on the end of a spear for "better reach".
32. Even if it is not technically against the rules.
33. Even if she is small enough in full armour.
34. Especially if she is fighting sword and shield.
35. If attacking the fort at Pennsic, Skippy is NOT allowed to knock and say "Pizza delivery" or “alcoholic beverage shipment”.
36. Or "Candygram".
37. Or "landshark".
38. Or any quote any skit from SNL.
39. Even if a knight starts it.
40. Especially if his/her knight starts it.
41. Royal retainers are not allowed to respond with "God wills it!" whenever they are given a command by the king.
42. Even if the king's persona is a crusader.
43. Especially if the king's persona is a Viking.
44. Royal retainers are not allowed to tell people they are on the "goon squad"
45. Or "the royal secret police"
46. Especially when delivering summons by the king.
47. Even if they are.
48. Especially if they are.
49. Skippy is not allowed to sing "Ten Little Indians" while hitting enemy fighters with a polearm.
50. Even if they are good shots.
51. Especially if I get a rhythm going.
52. Skippy is not allowed to mark his armour with yellow duct tape and call myself a mass weapon.
53. Skippy is not allowed to mark heavy fighters with yellow duct tape and call them mass weapons.
54. Skippy is not allowed to mark laurels with yellow duct tape and call them mass weapons of destruction.
55. Skippy is not allowed to shield surf into battle on a large scuti held by his four men-at-arms.
56. Skippy is not allowed to Lo-Jack the enemy commander so we can find him and kill him.
57. Skippy is not allowed to put cash bounties on the heads of people on his own side.
58. Skippy is not allowed to have strippers on the sidelines to distract opponents.
59. Skippy is not allowed to call the known world chivalry pussies and start his own wars.
60. The Crown does not accept the sworn fealty of sock-puppets.
61. Fighter Skippy will make no attempt to reprise the full plate armor sex scene from "Excalibur".
62. Squire Skippy shall not get loaded and walk around camp yelling, "I am Sir <insert knight's name> and you suck!" at top of my lungs.
63. If Squire Skippy is too hung over to fight, perhaps he'd like to carry water...wearing bunny fur bikini.
64. Squire Skippy is to remain sober and be responsible for preventing drunken knight from drowning in hot tub.
65. Squire Skippy shall not misplace hauberk on loan from knight.
66. Naval jelly is not suitable for cleaning knight's sword.
67. Axe-diving is not an appropriate pastime.
68. Challenging people to "chug" everclear & kool-aid is unacceptable.
69. If Squire Skippy's late-night visitor leaves behind any, umm, "interesting" souvenirs", a detailed explanation will be required at breakfast.
70. Sir Skippy cannot use sock puppets to claim additional "proxy votes" when the Crown is polling the Order during Knights' Council.
71. Sock puppets cannot be snitched off to the Crown as "rebel faction leaders" to get myself out of trouble with the Crowns: they won't buy it.
72. If they do buy it, run with it. God is smiling upon you today.
73. Sock puppets do not ride on the point of the Sword of State during Coronation processionals.
74. When Sir Skippy gets jacked up over this, she will not explain to people that the sock puppet is a metaphor for the relationship of the BoD over the Crown.
75. Night before the big field battle, in the fort, Squire Skippy cannot set up two life size dolls in cheap, fake armor in a very embarrassing position, make sure they look like a king from one side and a queen from the other.
76. Even if Squire Skippy kidnaps and makes drunk said royalty, or just plain clues them in.
77. Duke Skippy is not allowed to kidnap the opposite side Queen in the middle of the night.
78. Even if she's worth a war point.
79. Duke Skippy is not allow to kidnap the opposite Queen whether she's worth a war point or not, and even if she comes willing.
80. Duke Skippy not allow to kidnap ANY war point with the promise of all the booze you could drink.
81. Duke Skippy is not allowed to call the king a swamp rat.
82. Even if he is.
83. Squire Skippy is not allow to announce the feast as being a short menu being short bread, shrimp cocktail, small peas and carrots, and short cake for desert especially when Duke Sir John the Mad Celt is king. (NOTE: Duke John the Mad Celt is 5'4" in armour.)
84. Squire Skippy is not allowed to steal fellow shire member's stuffed sheep and sneak it into bed with the baron of another kingdom.
85. Sir Skippy is not allow to steal any stuffed sheep, blow up sheep, and adult video sheep and any other type sheep, sneak them into bed with any royalty and take pictures. And then post pictures to internet. Or mail glossy 8 by 10s to various SCA groups.
86. Squire Skippy is not allowed just to duck tape an axe and use on a fighter even if the marshal approves it.
87. Old Fart Skippy is not allowed to use toilet roll maces which have been left soaking in the rain and dried in the walk in freezer.
88. Squire Skippy is not allow to say he is Master Disaster and take apprentices.
89. Squire Skippy is not allowed to take period firearms to field to fight with.
90. Even if Duke Iam Rhino did not call the shot.
91. Squire Skippy is not allowed to ring the church bells for Nones, Prime or any call to prayer, even if the church and bell is period.
92. Squire Skippy is not allowed to substitute an air horn for church bells.
93. Squire Skippy is not allowed to serve rat soup even if it is real rat in the soup.
94. Squire Skippy is not allowed to serve rat soup ESPECIALLY if it is a real rat in the soup.
95. Squire Skippy is not allowed to help cook roasted pig even if long pig.
96. Squire Skippy is not allowed to duct tape any inebriated peer to the chirurgeon's backboard, then parade them through the war site. Especially not face down.
97. Sir Skippy of Sparta is not allowed to trip and shield surf down a hill on his new Hoplite Shield during a melee, thus creating the snowboarding craze in the West
98. Man-at-Arms Skippy shall not try the jumpy stabby move from the movie Troy
99. Newbie Skippy will not show up at an event dressed as a 1066 knight when everyone else is 1400ish and wearing duct tape.
100. Herald Skippy may not blow bubbles during the King's Court even if the Prince started it.
101. ESPECIALLY if the Prince started it.
102. Squire Skippy will not join a friend in an unannounced "Crown Tournament" bout with boffers in a Depleted Uranium Yard inside a barb wired fence inside of a REAL armed camp, and then annex the Middle East as "The Kingdom of the Smelly Sandbox" from the Kingdom of Drachenwald, because there are no other challengers for the Crown.
103. Fighter Skippy is not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove “The Pen is Mightier than the sword”.
104. Skippy cannot “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.
105. Even if his/her persona’s Celtic.
106. ESPECIALLY if his/her persona’s Celtic.
107. Duke Skippy may not challenge knights to “Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn”.
108. When finding oneself in a "boat battle" do not volunteer to be the "anchor".
109. When playing Predator and Prey, sitting on your captor is an unacceptable negotiation technique.
110. Squire Skippy is not allowed to use any combination of "mass weapon" to refer to penis size in pick-up lines.
111. Especially not to anyone in a pointy hat
112. Or women.
113. Or within a hundred-mile radius of a tavern.
114. Squire Skippy is not allowed to scale castle walls.
115. Especially if they are between three and five feet high.
116. Especially if it would capsize the castle.
117. Squire Skippy is not allowed to "spike" the waterbearer's water or kool aid.
118. Not even if it was his knight's idea.
119. Especially if it was his knight's idea.
120. It is not acceptable to invent a country to situate a persona.
121. Even with supporting documentation.
122. Squire Skippy is not allowed to pretend to be a left-handed fighter, purely so he can use the line, "But there's something you should know--I am not left-handed!"
123. Especially in rapier.
124. Extra especially in combat archery.
125. It is unchilvaric, when watching a parachute tent blow loose and run someone down to call, "light!"
126. Squire Skippy is not allowed to turn gate into a Tablaro household.
127. Squire Skippy is not allowed to sign up for Ithra, purely to meet women.
128. Squire Skippy must not tamper with the Chirugonate's supplies.
129. Especially to fake war wounds.
130. Squire Skippy is only allowed to burn in his firepit what his SCA mom says it’s ok to burn.
131. Gasoline is out.
132. Ditto napalm even if you have some handy.
133. Ditto the autocrat/constab.
134. Adding white gas after the fire is going to see how high the fireball can go is a bad idea.
135. Trying to pick up a drink off the ground while sitting in a Norse chair is a bad idea.
136. Especially if you have a wench on your lap.
137. Squire Skippy must look before freaking out at the lady who runs her cold hands down his neck from behind.
138. Especially if it’s not his Lady Wife.
139. Double especially if it’s the Queen.
140. Attempting to catch a fly-away Costco Garage is a bad idea.
141. Ditto any other large escaping tent.
142. Squire Skippy is not allowed to leave a lit candle in his pavilion or tent at night.
143. Even if he likes the glow it gives off.
144. Even if the candle is protected via glass shade.
145. Especially not if there is a can of bug spray next to the candle.
146. Especially not if the box/table is next to the wall of his pavilion.
147. Squire Skippy is never allowed to approach any King and announce, "I wanna be your Huckleberry!"
148. Even if he's drunk.
149. Especially if his knight suggests it.
150. Squire Skippy must always use the biffy to relieve himself.
151. Even if very drunk.
152. Even at a heavily wooded site.
153. Especially at a Coronation event.