The Tailor-Sensible's Song
a respectful parody by José Cabrera de Castilla
(in the manner of the Major General's Song, from
the Gilbert and Sullivan musical the Pirates of Penzance)
I am the very model of a modern tailor sensible
I've cuts of fabric vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I know the kings of An Tir, and I sew outfits historical
From houppelandes to pluderhose in order categorical;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters decoratical
I've seen and sewn embroidery, both simple and fantastical,
About the dyeing process I am teeming with a lot o' news,
With many cheerful facts about the mutex mollusk's many use.
I'm very good at patterning and altering with whip stitches
I know the Spanish names Alcega gave to jerkins and breeches
In short, in fabrics vegetable, animal and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern tailor-sensible.
I know historic costumery, the togas to the dutch cassocks,
I'd claim to be master but I don't want to be hit with rocks,
I quote in Ye Olde English all the clothing kept in Bess' robe,
In miln'ry I can floor you with the hats worn at the Rose and Globe;
I can tell undoubted experts, the Gregorios And Laurellens,
I know the difference made by aiglets, and by beading, and by pins,
Then I can craft a ruff of which I've seen the pieces made afore,
And remake all the garb of a Shakespearianic troubadour.
Then I can bill a client for the time it takes to cut and form,
And tell you that in period they would not wear a uniform,
In short, in fabrics vegetable, animal and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern tailor-sensible.
In fact, when I know what is meant by "warp" and "weft" and "raveling",
When I can tell at sight a proper velvet from a velveteen,
When such affairs as masquerades and parties I am hired for,
And when I know precisely what is meant by "sumptuary law."
When I have learned what progress has been made in extant garb review,
When I know more of ironing than maids in royal retinue,
In short, when I've a smattering of elemental fashion sense—
You'll say a better tailor-sensible will never practice hence.
For my sartorial knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury,
Has only been brought up to the end of the sixteenth century,
But still, in fabrics vegetable, animal and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern tailor sensible.