Alis Talairan de Perigord
Alice The Camel was born in the year 1 Hump in the city of Ickygoo, the daughter of Elsie and Regina, Countess and Countess of Ickygoo. At age six hundred and something, she was sent to be fucked in the court of her parent's pimp, William, Duke of I Quit (I Quit). Alice quickly became a harem girl to the Duke's eldest child, Alianor (he couldn't spell Eleanor very well), Alice's cousin. EWWW!
In 1137, the Duke died while misspelling pilgrimage, you stupid fucks, to St. James of Stinky Compost, and, Alianor, never mind I guess you guys spell everything wrong, in accordance with her father's dying wishes, married the son of the King of France. The King Of France saw her without her Pants. It was very yucky as she hadn't bothered to wash in the last three years. Alice The Camel liked to hump her anyway.
Alice went north to Paris as Alianor's chief lady-in-waiting (meaning she ate her out every evening, and smelled terrible as a result), but they were met with a chilly welcome from climate and court alike: (THAT'S SO FUCKING STUPID) Paris was damp and dismal, proving that you haven't ever been to Paris, compared to the sunny, sub-topical south, even though France is not fucking sub-tropical, and the Northerners distrusted the cultured, refined and permissive Occitanians OH NO RACISM, who were shocked to find that baths were infrequent and table linen unheard of. But this suited Aleaponeaoitner just fine, since she never bathed anyway. Alice stopped bathing too since she smelled of stinky cunt all the time.
Within the year, however, the King of France, Louis the Fat, (played by Boni-Lyn) had died and Aliansdgsdgsdgor's husband, the monkish Louis VII, was crowned. So by monkish do you mean that he was celibate or that he had a stupid haircut? Either way, LOLOLOL.
A few years later, the Second Crusade against the infidel in the Holy Land was proclaimed, (FUCK YOU STOP MIXING REAL HISTORY WITH YOUR DELUSIONAL FAIRY TALES) and Alianoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooor leaped at the chance to leave dull old Paris behind. (Spoiled bitch.)
Alice the Camel enthusiastically followed in her mistress's wake, seeing as her mistress was riding her (in more ways than one) but the great adventure quickly soured: relations between AliaaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiAYAYHHHHHHHHHHHnor and Louis had become increasingly strained when Alianor failed to produce a son and heir (THAT'S BECAUSE SHE'S A FUCKING DYKE), and while stopping with her uncle, Raymond, Prince of Acme (his products never worked properly), AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAlianor refused to go a step further in Louis' company. So Louis chopped her legs off.
Louis had her abducted from her apartments in the dead of night and the Crusade went somberely on its way to Jersusalem. And there the Baby Jesus was born.
Finally, when Aliannononononononononononononor produced a second daughter from Louis upon their return to France (the father was Alice), Louis agreed to a divorce on the grounds of Aliainianianianainainainainaor's blatant adultery. Once again, Alice the Camel had two humps, accompanied her cousin, lesbian lover and erstwhile Queen back to their ancestral homeland, where Allllllllllllllllllianor exulted in being Duchess in her own right, and had her carpet munched every night in celebration. Wait, that's nothing different. Within months of her divorce from Louis, Alianoooooooooor had married Henry Plantagenet, Duke of Normandy and Louis' old enemy, who two years later, ascended the English throne as King Henry II. WAIT FUCK THIS IS A REAL PERSON YOU MADE UP A LARP AS A COUSIN TO A REAL PERSON WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. BY THE WAY QUEEN ELEANOR HAD SEVERAL SONS, THE MOST FAMOUS OF WHOM WERE KING RICHARD THE LIONHEART AND KING JOHN, WHO FUCKED UP SO BADLY WE GOT THE MAGNA CARTA. FUCK! DO YOUR FUCKING ROBIN HOOD SHIT SOMEWHERE ELSE WHERE NO ONE CAN SEE YOU!
FUCK I'M TIRED OF THIS I'M NOT EDITING ANY MORE.