Skippy's List Three
See also: Skippy's List Too
300-325
300. Lord Skippy is no longer allowed to ask the king, "Hey, can I have my bottle back, DUDE."
301. Even if the king just chugged down Lord Skippy's Cordial.
302. Skippy Junior may not give the queen of the other side a stuffed plague rat he bought at war and declare that our side has won the war because the other side now is plague-ridden.
303. Lord Skippy should remember that swearing fealty thru the stall door of the men's room while His Majesty is having his daily constitutionary is NOT acceptable.
304. Squire Skippy should remember that "if ya ain't payin' for the beer, then ya shouldn't complain about it."
305. Duke Skippy should not "moon" the enemy's encampment, even if he is drunk and with old friends.
306. Duke Skippy should also not "woof his cookies" into his long-suffering squire's armor bag.
307. Lord Skippy is not allowed to use 'cattle" as a trebuchet/catapult fodder, even if it is a Stuffed Cow.
308. Celtic Skippy is not allowed to discuss going Regimental at a Demo.
309. A&S Skippy is not allowed to practice documented assassination techniques on any of the collective "Brass Hats", including the BOD.
310. And if Skippy does, he is not allowed to write a formal A&S paper with photos.
311. However, the Populace is allowed to debate if said assassination is A&S or service.
312. Squire Skippy will refrain from putting a rock in an A&S competition as a medieval weapon.
313. Lady Skippy the Autocrat and Lady Skippy the Co Autocrat may not Toast or Hoot and "Hollah" the WALK OF SHAME man with coffee at 7:30am, even if the Chick is not that light on the eyes.
314. Lady Skippy can tie a blue ribbon onto Husband Lord Skippy-san at an Event and but must come home with it....
315. Merchant Skippy isn't allowed to give out free coffee candy for the trip home to the children of annoying customers.
316. Even if the kids are misbehaving.
317. Even if they are already buzzing from too much sugar & caffeine already.
318. Especially if they are already buzzing from too much sugar & caffeine already.
319. Merchant Skippy is not allowed to wander around Pennsic with deerskin halter tops suggesting to Ladies that he has a "Couple of positions to fill on his staff."
320. Even if he has assorted sizes of halter tops.
321. Especially if he describes the positions as "Small, Medium, Large & "O MY GOD."
322. Merchant Skippy is not allowed to sponsor a night of exotic male dancing for the Ladies in the food court at Pennsic.
323. Even if he did have a Pickle Auction for the Lords.
324. Autocrat Skippy is not allowed to delegate the laying of the fire for the roast lamb to the blacksmiths.
325. Even if they are good at starting fires.
326-350
326. Especially if they get the fire hot enough to do pattern welding.
327. Head Cook Skippy will not bring her one person personal food processor to do a three-remove feast for 300.
328. Even if she hasn't done any prep work on the feast.
329. Especially if she didn't arrange enough help prior to the feast.
330. Sir Skippy shall not courteously hand his sword to the unarmed fighter who asks him for it during battle, without checking which side unarmed fighter is on, so as not to be killed by his own weapon.
331. Skippy the Archer is not allowed to take his bow down range when retrieving arrows from a clout shoot.
332. Especially if, instead of carrying them, he intends to shoot the arrows back.
333. And narrowly misses a peer, thereby guaranteeing a court right then and there!
334. Squire Skippy is not allowed to sing The Masturbation Song in front of the royalty of two kingdoms and a principality.
335. Even if His Majesty threatened him with being a pell unless he sang.
336. Even if it's the only song he knows.
337. Even if the Kings join in.
338. Especially if the Kings join in.
339. Squire Skippy shall not add a "beer tax" to the gate fee for all arriving after dark. Or before dark.
340. Lady Skippy, having shown the good sense to take her Coleman lantern outside her tent to refill it, on the ground, because the **** thing always spills while being refueled, will not light said lantern and then set it in the puddle of spilled fuel.
341. Skippy will not hold a tourney in a land that was claimed for An Tir by Dame Rowan over a decade earlier.
342. Especially since nobody has seen fit to argue against Rowan's claim to all of the lands of ancient Arabia, Persia, the Desert Kingdoms, and all that lies between the Mediterranean and the Cape.
343. Especially since An Tir should be declaring war on Drachenwald posthaste... (Refer to item 102.)
344. Baroness Skippy will not at any time say especially during Business Meetings, Sergeants' Trials , and gatherings or in court, "I've been thinking ..."
345. Upon hearing these fateful words, members of populace (especially Skippy's sergeants) will not hide under tables, pretend to be asleep or bolt from the room.
346. Especially the ones too slow to run (due to physical conditions or resigned to her thinking).
347. There will be no blocking of the door so that those too slow to run are not the only ones left to be volunteered.
349. Especially when overheard by her populace, who are usually willing to take such comments at face value.
350. Especially when, 10 minutes after the fact, Not-quite-Baroness-yet Skippy is presented with a ice-cream truck, and a willing driver who was willing to follow A Viking Truck full of men wielding swords and yelling at him to pull over. (The bemused driver, after seeing and hearing of the situation, could not resist Doing A Good Deed, and came away from the experience seriously recompensed for his... wares, time, and trouble.)
351-375
351. Mercenary Skippy will remember that, although woad/blue paint can be sun protective and cool looking on the battlefield, it does not look very good to your employer when the uncovered skin is sunburned.
352. Especially when you have a board meeting on Monday.
353. Squire Skippy will not assume that alcohol kills all germs two days before the big battle.
354. Particularly when the bottle is being handed to him by someone who is clearly ill.
355. Especially if it's a bottle of beer with 5% alcohol.
356. Lord Skippy shall not put a monkey puppet on his codpiece or sticking out of his pants for shock value at any event.
357. Especially when he is called into court before their majesties.
358. Even if they laugh.
359. Especially if the Queen momentarily turns red, mistaking the beige monkey puppet for... well, something else... making the entire room burst into fits of laughter.
360. The College of Skippy shall not present royalty with a wooden box of "taxes" consisting of loose change and cigarette butts found upon campuses or gas stations nearby.
361. Especially if the King is going through nicotine withdrawal.
362. And everyone knows it.
363. Squire Skippy is not allowed to drop live steel through her foot during processional, and hide the bleeding from everyone so she can still fight in the tournament.
364. Even if she's been practicing that weapon form for three months.
365. Nor is she allowed to sell the blood-soaked sock as a Holy Relic.
366. Even if her consort tells her to.
367. Even to raise money for the Royal travel fund.
368. Squire Skippy is not allowed to torment the Captain of the Royal Guard by putting a banana on the end of his halberd during Court.
369. Even if egged on by his drunk squire brothers.
370. Even if his Knight is giggling.
371. ESPECIALLY if his Knight is giggling.
372. Skippy is not allowed to wash his lady's garb.
373. Especially if it's wool...
374. Especially not in hot water
375. Especially if it's never been in the water before
376-393
376. Especially if it's also in the wash with her linen underdress
377. Most especially if it then creates a spotted underdress, an overdress that is now too short and too small around, and makes her wool hood small enough for their 4 year old daughter... Oh, and these were the only wool clothes she possessed...
378. Lady Skippy is not allowed to have very vocal non-marital (or marital) relations in a tent 10 feet away from a wedding.
379. Not even if that wedding is that of her ex-boyfriend.
380. Duchess Skippy is not allowed to spell out "F*ck Caid" with hay bales, even if her husband's squire thought it was a good idea.
381. Especially not while knight's council is going on.
382. Especially not when there is a visiting knight from Caid present in council.
383. Duke Sir Skippy is no longer allowed to steal golf carts at Estrella War.
384. Duke Sir Skippy is especially not allowed to "use the force" to steal golf carts at Estrella War.
385. Her Ladyship Skippy is not allowed to refer to the Prince and Princess who just surprised her with an award as "you sneaky f*cking buggers."
386. Princess Skippy is not allowed to use "I was left unsupervised" as a defense.
387. Squire Skippy will not encourage everyone to sign the gate sheet as a variant of Stephan of Pembroke.
388. Squire Skippy will not lash the new fighter that brags about killing the opposing king TWICE! to a bench, cover him with a sheepskin, and offer said new fighter to the opposing king in court as a foot rest.
389. Especially if court drags on for several hours and the new fighter REALLY needs to pee.
390. Super-especially if Sir Hrothgar and three belly dancers then use the fighter/foot rest as a seat.
391. Lord Skippy is not allowed to make reference to the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch while Her Royal Majesty is holding the Orb of Dominion during Royal Court.
392. Lord Skippy is not allowed to start singing "This is the dawning of the age of Arcuarius" after himself and another Arcuarius eliminate 2 members of the Order of the Grey Goose shaft from a Last Man Standing tournament.
393. Even if one of the Geese is the current Kingdom Protector.
394. Dame Laurel Skippy--when asked what she was Laureled for--is not allowed to reply, "Napping."
395. When challenged, she is not allowed to replace that with "Shenanigating."
396. Nor "Shrinky Dinks."
397. The Companions of the Rose are not allowed to arm wrestle while using the back of the King as a table.... anymore.
398. Sir Skippy is not allowed to motorboat a horn of gin all over the Queen.