Skippy's List: Difference between revisions

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Hi,
Hi,


Some friends on the Armour Archive are making a "SCA Skippy List" for the SCA.  Look at www.skippyslist.com for a reference. Oddly enough, most of these have apparently happened.
Some friends on the Armour Archive are making a "SCA Skippy List" for the SCA.  Look at http://www.skippyslist.com for a reference. Oddly enough, most of these have apparently happened.


===1-25===
1.  Sir Skippy promises to "wear appropriate clothes in Their Majesties presence." This covers the time where I wore nothing but a lime green bath towel to a chiv meeting... and yes, it was rather drafty...
1.  Sir Skippy promises to "wear appropriate clothes in Their Majesties presence." This covers the time where I wore nothing but a lime green bath towel to a chiv meeting... and yes, it was rather drafty...


2.  Full-body woad, by itself, is not garb.
2.  Full-body woad, by itself, is not garb.


3.  I will not ask a duke "So what are you going to do about it" when both of us are in armor
3.  I will not ask a duke, "So what are you going to do about it" when both of us are in armor.


4.  Skippy will not wear his/her spurs in bed.
4.  Skippy will not wear his/her spurs in bed.


5. While baby-sitting Squire Skippy knight's daughter, s/he will not teach her any dirty words to call daddy.
5. While baby-sitting Squire Skippy knight's daughter, s/he will not teach her any dirty words to call daddy.


6.  Squire Skippy is not allowed to borrow his knight’s armour and go insult the Tuchuxs then return the armour to his knight in time for the great field battle at Pennsic.
6.  Squire Skippy is not allowed to borrow his knight’s armour and go insult the Tuchuxs, then return the armour to his knight in time for the great field battle at Pennsic.


7.  Apprentice Skippy is not allowed to demonstrate vat dyeing or the making of niello upwind of his Laurel at *ANY* time.
7.  Apprentice Skippy is not allowed to demonstrate vat dyeing or the making of niello upwind of his Laurel at *ANY* time.
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9.  Laurel Skippy will not make a set of "boffer" spurs for a Knight so he could wear them on his water bed...
9.  Laurel Skippy will not make a set of "boffer" spurs for a Knight so he could wear them on his water bed...


10.  Even as a Christmas present
10.  Even as a Christmas present.


11.  Even if the Knight thought he was going to have to call the EMTs due to his wife laughing so hard.
11.  Even if the Knight thought he was going to have to call the EMTs due to his wife laughing so hard.


12.  I am no longer permitted to tell the SEM he is disconnected from reality.
12.  Equestrian Skippy is no longer permitted to tell the SEM he is disconnected from reality.


13.  Neither am I allowed to produce pictures and videotape to prove it.
13.  Even if s/he is allowed to produce pictures and videotape to prove it.


14.  I am no longer allowed to use logic in arguments with Society officers. If God had wanted my view to prevail He would have made me an officer.
14.  Skippy is no longer allowed to use logic in arguments with Society officers. If God had wanted my view to prevail He would have made me an officer.


15.  Duct tape is an unacceptable armor construction material.
15.  Duct tape is an unacceptable armor construction material.
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16.  No matter how thick Skippy layer it.
16.  No matter how thick Skippy layer it.


17.  Simply writing the words "douche bag" on an A&S form is not proper feedback even if it is in Latin or runes.
17.  Simply writing the words "douche bag" on an A&S form is not proper feedback, even if it is in Latin or runes.


18.  Man at arms Skippy is not allowed to play monopoly in his tent with his lady while giggling; making the barony think he and his lady are getting it on in...
18.  Man-at-arms Skippy is not allowed to play monopoly in his tent with his lady while giggling, making the barony think he and his lady are getting it on within..


19. "Kill them all. God will know his own" is not an acceptable form of pep-talk to squires before a tournament.
19. "Kill them all. God will know his own." is not an acceptable form of pep-talk to squires before a tournament.


20.  Must not teach children to reflexively yell "light!" whenever they bump into things.
20.  Must not teach children to reflexively yell, "light!" whenever they bump into things.


21.  Not allowed to strew pitch on the field, and not allowed under any circumstances to light arrows on fire to make a battle "more historical AND interesting"
21.  Fighter is not allowed to strew pitch on the field, and not allowed under any circumstances to light arrows on fire to make a battle "more historical AND interesting"


22.  If, in planning for a battle, an idea makes Skippy giggle for more than 15 seconds, s/he should assume Skippy is not allowed to use it.
22.  If, in planning for a battle, an idea makes Skippy giggle for more than 15 seconds, s/he should assume Skippy is not allowed to use it.
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25.  Skippy is not allowed to let his/her squire brother "kill" the army commander right after orders are given before a major battle.
25.  Skippy is not allowed to let his/her squire brother "kill" the army commander right after orders are given before a major battle.


===26-50===
26.  Even if it is deserved.
26.  Even if it is deserved.


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28.  Skippy is not allowed to use any of my squire brothers as collateral for a bet.
28.  Skippy is not allowed to use any of my squire brothers as collateral for a bet.


29. Or payment of a bet.
29. Or payment of a bet.


30. Even for beer.
30. Even for beer.


31.  Skippy is not allowed to put a member of my fighting unit on the end of a spear for "better reach"
31.  Skippy is not allowed to put a member of my fighting unit on the end of a spear for "better reach".


32. Even if it is not technically against the rules
32. Even if it is not technically against the rules.


33. Even if she is small enough in full armour
33. Even if she is small enough in full armour.


34. Especially if she is fighting sword and shield
34. Especially if she is fighting sword and shield.


35. If attacking the fort at Pennsic, Skippy is allowed to knock and say "Pizza delivery" or “alcoholic beverage shipment”.  
35. If attacking the fort at Pennsic, Skippy is NOT allowed to knock and say "Pizza delivery" or “alcoholic beverage shipment”.  


36. or "Candygram"
36. Or "Candygram".


37. Or "landshark"
37. Or "landshark".


38. Or any quote any skit from SNL.
38. Or any quote any skit from SNL.
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40. Especially if his/her knight starts it.
40. Especially if his/her knight starts it.


41. Royal retainers are not allowed to respond with "God wills it!" when ever they are given a command by the king.
41. Royal retainers are not allowed to respond with "God wills it!" whenever they are given a command by the king.


42. Even if the king's persona is a crusader.
42. Even if the king's persona is a crusader.
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48. Especially if they are.
48. Especially if they are.


49. Skippy is not allowed to sing "ten little Indians" while hitting enemy fighters with a polearm.
49. Skippy is not allowed to sing "Ten Little Indians" while hitting enemy fighters with a polearm.


50. Even if they are good shots.
50. Even if they are good shots.


===51-75===
51. Especially if I get a rhythm going.
51. Especially if I get a rhythm going.


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54.  Skippy is not allowed to mark laurels with yellow duct tape and call them mass weapons of destruction.
54.  Skippy is not allowed to mark laurels with yellow duct tape and call them mass weapons of destruction.


55. Skippy is not allowed to shield surf into battle on a large scuti held by his four men-at-arms.
55. Skippy is not allowed to shield surf into battle on a large scuti held by his four men-at-arms.


56.  Skippy is not allowed to Lo-Jack the enemy commander so we can find him and kill him.
56.  Skippy is not allowed to Lo-Jack the enemy commander so we can find him and kill him.
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60.  The Crown does not accept the sworn fealty of sock-puppets.
60.  The Crown does not accept the sworn fealty of sock-puppets.


61.  I will make no attempt to reprise the full plate armor sex scene from "Excalibur".
61.  Fighter Skippy will make no attempt to reprise the full plate armor sex scene from "Excalibur".


62.  Squire Skippy shall not get loaded and walk around camp yelling "I am Sir <insert knight's name> and you suck!" at top of lungs.
62.  Squire Skippy shall not get loaded and walk around camp yelling, "I am Sir <insert knight's name> and you suck!" at top of my lungs.


63.  If Squire Skippy is too hung over to fight, perhaps he'd like to carry water...wearing bunny fur bikini.
63.  If Squire Skippy is too hung over to fight, perhaps he'd like to carry water...wearing bunny fur bikini.
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67.  Axe-diving is not an appropriate pastime.
67.  Axe-diving is not an appropriate pastime.


68.  Challenging people to "chug" ever clear & kool-aid is unacceptable.
68.  Challenging people to "chug" everclear & kool-aid is unacceptable.


69.  If Squire Skippy's late-night visitor leaves behind any, umm, "interesting" souvenirs, a detailed explanation will be required at breakfast.
69.  If Squire Skippy's late-night visitor leaves behind any, umm, "interesting" souvenirs", a detailed explanation will be required at breakfast.


70. Sir Skippy cannot use sock puppets to claim additional "proxy votes" when the Crown is polling the Order during Knights' Council.
70. Sir Skippy cannot use sock puppets to claim additional "proxy votes" when the Crown is polling the Order during Knights' Council.
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75. Night before the big field battle, in the fort, Squire Skippy cannot set up two life size dolls in cheap, fake armor in a very embarrassing position, make sure they look like a king from one side and a queen from the other.
75. Night before the big field battle, in the fort, Squire Skippy cannot set up two life size dolls in cheap, fake armor in a very embarrassing position, make sure they look like a king from one side and a queen from the other.


76. Even if Squire Skippy kidnaps and make drunk said royalty or just plain clues them in.
===76-100===
76. Even if Squire Skippy kidnaps and makes drunk said royalty, or just plain clues them in.


77. Duke Skippy is not allowed to kidnap the opposite side Queen in the middle of the night.
77. Duke Skippy is not allowed to kidnap the opposite side Queen in the middle of the night.


78. Even if she a war point.
78. Even if she's worth a war point.


79. Duke Skippy is not allow to kidnap the opposite Queen whether she a war point or not, and even if she comes willing.
79. Duke Skippy is not allow to kidnap the opposite Queen whether she's worth a war point or not, and even if she comes willing.


80. Duke Skippy not allow to kidnap ANY war point with the promise of all the booze you could drink.
80. Duke Skippy not allow to kidnap ANY war point with the promise of all the booze you could drink.
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82. Even if he is.
82. Even if he is.


83. Squire Skippy is not allow to announce the feast as being a short menu being short bread, shrimp cocktail, small peas and carrots, and short cake for desert especial when Duke Sir John the Mad Celt is king. NOTE Duke John the Mad Celt is 5 foot four in armour.
83. Squire Skippy is not allow to announce the feast as being a short menu being short bread, shrimp cocktail, small peas and carrots, and short cake for desert especially when Duke Sir John the Mad Celt is king. (NOTE: Duke John the Mad Celt is 5'4" in armour.)


84. Squire Skippy is not allowed to steal fellow shire member stuffed sheep and sneak into bed with baron of another kingdom.
84. Squire Skippy is not allowed to steal fellow shire member's stuffed sheep and sneak it into bed with the baron of another kingdom.


85. Sir Skippy is not allow to steal any stuffed sheep, blow up sheep, and adult video sheep and any other type sheep , sneak them into bed with any royalty and take pictures. Then post pictures to internet. Or mail glossy 8 by 10s to various SCA groups.
85. Sir Skippy is not allow to steal any stuffed sheep, blow up sheep, and adult video sheep and any other type sheep, sneak them into bed with any royalty and take pictures. And then post pictures to internet. Or mail glossy 8 by 10s to various SCA groups.


86. Squire Skippy is not allowed just to duck tape an axe and use on a fighter even if the marshal approves it.
86. Squire Skippy is not allowed just to duck tape an axe and use on a fighter even if the marshal approves it.
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90. Even if Duke Iam Rhino did not call the shot.
90. Even if Duke Iam Rhino did not call the shot.


91. Squire Skippy is not allowed to ring the church bells for Comme, Prime or any call to prayer even if the church and bell is period.
91. Squire Skippy is not allowed to ring the church bells for Nones, Prime or any call to prayer, even if the church and bell is period.


92. Squire Skippy is not allowed to substitute an air horn for church bells.
92. Squire Skippy is not allowed to substitute an air horn for church bells.
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95. Squire Skippy is not allowed to help cook roasted pig even if long pig.
95. Squire Skippy is not allowed to help cook roasted pig even if long pig.


96. Squire Skippy is not allowed to duct tape any inebriated peer to the chirurgeons backboard, then parade them through the war site. Especially not face down.
96. Squire Skippy is not allowed to duct tape any inebriated peer to the chirurgeon's backboard, then parade them through the war site. Especially not face down.
   
   
97. Sir Skippy of Sparta is not allowed to trip and shield surf down a hill on his new Hoplite Shield during a melee, thus creating the snowboarding craze in the West
97. Sir Skippy of Sparta is not allowed to trip and shield surf down a hill on his new Hoplite Shield during a melee, thus creating the snowboarding craze in the West


98. Man-at-Arms Skippy shall not try the jumpy stabby move from the movie troy
98. Man-at-Arms Skippy shall not try the jumpy stabby move from the movie Troy


99. Newbie Skippy will not show up at an event dressed as a 1066 knight when everyone else is 1400ish and wearing duct tape.
99. Newbie Skippy will not show up at an event dressed as a 1066 knight when everyone else is 1400ish and wearing duct tape.
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100.  Herald Skippy may not blow bubbles during the King's Court even if the Prince started it.
100.  Herald Skippy may not blow bubbles during the King's Court even if the Prince started it.


===101-125===
101.  ESPECIALLY if the Prince started it.
101.  ESPECIALLY if the Prince started it.


102. Squire Skippy will not join a friend in an unannounced "Crown Tournament" bout with boffers in a Depleted Uranium Yard inside a barb wired fence inside of a REAL armed camp…and then annex the Middle East as "The Kingdom of the Smelly Sandbox" from the Kingdom of Drachenwald, because there are no other challengers for the Crown.
102. Squire Skippy will not join a friend in an unannounced "Crown Tournament" bout with boffers in a Depleted Uranium Yard inside a barb wired fence inside of a REAL armed camp, and then annex the Middle East as "The Kingdom of the Smelly Sandbox" from the Kingdom of Drachenwald, because there are no other challengers for the Crown.


103. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove “The Pen is Mightier than the sword”.
103. Fighter Skippy is not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove “The Pen is Mightier than the sword”.


104. Skippy cannot “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.
104. Skippy cannot “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.
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105. Even if his/her persona’s Celtic.
105. Even if his/her persona’s Celtic.


106. ESPECIALLY if his/her persona’s Celtic
106. ESPECIALLY if his/her persona’s Celtic.


107. Duke Skippy may not challenge knights to “Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn”.
107. Duke Skippy may not challenge knights to “Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn”.


108. When finding oneself in a "boat battle" do not volunteer to be the "anchor"  
108. When finding oneself in a "boat battle" do not volunteer to be the "anchor".


109.  When playing Predator and Prey, sitting on your captor is an unacceptable negotiation technique
109.  When playing Predator and Prey, sitting on your captor is an unacceptable negotiation technique.


110. Squire Skippy is not allowed to use any combination of "mass weapon" to refer to penis size in pick-up lines.
110. Squire Skippy is not allowed to use any combination of "mass weapon" to refer to penis size in pick-up lines.
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111. Especially not to anyone in a pointy hat
111. Especially not to anyone in a pointy hat


112. Or women
112. Or women.


113. Or within a hundred mile radius of a tavern
113. Or within a hundred-mile radius of a tavern.


114. Squire Skippy is not allowed to scale castle walls
114. Squire Skippy is not allowed to scale castle walls.


115. Especially if they are between three and five feet high
115. Especially if they are between three and five feet high.


116. Especially if it would capsize the castle
116. Especially if it would capsize the castle.


117. Squire Skippy is not allowed to "spike" the waterbearer's water or kool aid
117. Squire Skippy is not allowed to "spike" the waterbearer's water or kool aid.


118. Not even if it was his knight's idea
118. Not even if it was his knight's idea.


119. Especially if it was his knight's idea
119. Especially if it was his knight's idea.


120. It is not acceptable to invent a country to situate a persona
120. It is not acceptable to invent a country to situate a persona.


121. Even with supporting documentation
121. Even with supporting documentation.


122. Squire Skippy is not allowed to pretend to be a left-handed fighter, purely so he can use the line, "But there's something you should know- I am not left-handed!"
122. Squire Skippy is not allowed to pretend to be a left-handed fighter, purely so he can use the line, "But there's something you should know--I am not left-handed!"


123. Especially in rapier
123. Especially in rapier.


124. Extra especially in combat archery
124. Extra especially in combat archery.


125. It is unchilvaric, when watching a parachute tent blow loose and run someone down to call, "light!"
125. It is unchilvaric, when watching a parachute tent blow loose and run someone down to call, "light!"


126. Squire Skippy is not allowed to turn gate into a Tablaro household
===126-150===
126. Squire Skippy is not allowed to turn gate into a Tablaro household.


127. Squire Skippy is not allowed to sign up for Ithra, purely to meet women.
127. Squire Skippy is not allowed to sign up for Ithra, purely to meet women.


128. Squire Skippy must not tamper with the Chirugonate's supplies
128. Squire Skippy must not tamper with the Chirugonate's supplies.


129. Especially to fake war wounds
129. Especially to fake war wounds.


130. Squire Skippy is only allowed to burn in his firepit what his SCA mom says it’s ok to burn
130. Squire Skippy is only allowed to burn in his firepit what his SCA mom says it’s ok to burn.


131. Gasoline is out
131. Gasoline is out.


132. Ditto napalm even if you have some handy
132. Ditto napalm even if you have some handy.


133. Ditto the autocrat/constab
133. Ditto the autocrat/constab.


134. Adding white gas after the fire is going to see how high the fireball can go is a bad idea
134. Adding white gas after the fire is going to see how high the fireball can go is a bad idea.


135. Trying to pick up a drink off the ground while sitting in a Norse chair is a bad idea
135. Trying to pick up a drink off the ground while sitting in a Norse chair is a bad idea.


136. Especially if you have a wench on your lap
136. Especially if you have a wench on your lap.


137. Squire Skippy must look before freaking out at the lady who runs her cold hands down his neck from behind
137. Squire Skippy must look before freaking out at the lady who runs her cold hands down his neck from behind.


138. Especially if it’s not his Lady Wife
138. Especially if it’s not his Lady Wife.


139. Double especially if it’s the Queen
139. Double especially if it’s the Queen.


140. Attempting to catch a fly-away Costco Garage is a bad idea
140. Attempting to catch a fly-away Costco Garage is a bad idea.


141. Ditto any other large escaping tent
141. Ditto any other large escaping tent.


142. Squire Skippy is not allowed to leave a lit candle in his pavilion or tent at night.
142. Squire Skippy is not allowed to leave a lit candle in his pavilion or tent at night.


143. Even if he likes the glow it gives off
143. Even if he likes the glow it gives off.


144. Even if the candle is protected via glass shade
144. Even if the candle is protected via glass shade.


145. Especially not if there is a can of bug spray next to the candle
145. Especially not if there is a can of bug spray next to the candle.


146. Especially not if the box/table is next to the wall of his pavilion
146. Especially not if the box/table is next to the wall of his pavilion.


147. Squire Skippy is never allowed to approach any King and announce, "I wanna be your Huckleberry!"
147. Squire Skippy is never allowed to approach any King and announce, "I wanna be your Huckleberry!"


148. Even if he's drunk
148. Even if he's drunk.


149. Especially if his knight suggests it
149. Especially if his knight suggests it.


150. Squire Skippy must always use the biffy to relieve himself
150. Squire Skippy must always use the biffy to relieve himself.


151. Even if very drunk
===151-153===
151. Even if very drunk.


152. Even at a heavily wooded site
152. Even at a heavily wooded site.


153. Especially at a Coronation event
153. Especially at a Coronation event.


154. Squire Skippy is not allowed to start fires for his camp mates using a road flare and a pint of break fluid...
[[Skippy's List Too]]


155. Even if it's the only way to get wet wood to burn especially if the red glow can be seen all the way to the nearest small craft airport...
[[Category:Culture]]
 
156. Squire Skippy is not allowed to use an indiscriminate amount of black powder during the 'start a period fire' portion of his Sergeant's exam...
 
157. Even if he says ' Black powder is period'
 
158. Especially if he hasn't grown his eyebrows back from his first attempt.
 
159. Squire Skippy should remember that the way to help a lady across the muddy area is NOT to sling her over your shoulder and run full out shouting "On to Dunkirk!!"
 
160. Squire Skippy should also realize that while helping a stranded motorist is chivalrous - attempting to heave a whole Toyota out of the mud by oneself is foolish. And painful. In several areas of the body.
 
161. Squire Skippy should remember that Keg Tossing has much the same effect on ones body as the Toyota did.
 
162. Squire Skippy shall put out the candles in his tent before casting Kama Sutra Shadow puppets on his 10x10 white canvas tent wall.
 
163. Squire Skippy should not play his armpit when any group of musicians is performing.
 
164. Or demonstrate his ability as a woodwind.
 
165. Skippy shall not roar through the camp late at night chasing Sir Megaduke and screaming “Take me now oh Alpha Male of the realm!”
 
166. Squire Skippy is not allowed to volunteer for morning wake-up call. Ever gain.
 
167. Especially not on bagpipes.
 
168. At six in the morning.
 
169. Squire Skippy is not allowed to approach Baroness Anne of Blatha an Oir as she is walking her dogs with a package of hot dog buns and ask "So when's dinner?"
 
170. Squire Skippy is to keep his mouth shut on the archery range while a speed round is in progress.
 
171. Squire Skippy is not allowed to put up pictures of cute little kittens and puppies on the archery targets.
 
172. Even if he is allergic.
 
173. Skippy will remember that tents are NOT soundproof.
 
174. And remember how thin those walls are.
 
175. Skippy must supply a gag or pillow to keep his overly noisy female visitor reasonably quiet whilst making Kama sutra pictures without candles.
 
176. Skippy will remember that the romantic candle may show people things about Skippy that he'd rather not have them know. (Corollary: Skippy's amo di note' may not want them knowing it either)
 
177. Skippy will also not charge $1 per head for leading and narrating the "Shadow Porn Tour" of (fill in event here).
 
178. And remember how thin those walls are.
 
179. Especially at 2 a.m.
 
180. In the quiet section
 
181. Squire Skippy shall remember that a can opener does not serve as a legal weapon against knights in full plate.
 
182. Squire Skippy will remember that a maille bikini is not legal armour
 
183. Even if he thinks his lady looks "hot" in it
 
184. Squire Skippy will remember that "kitten armour" is also not legal
 
185. Especially if his knight put him up to trying it.
 
186. Squire Skippy should take his lady's word that she is a cheap drunk, and not accept it as a challenge.
 
187. Skippy is not allowed to dress up like a water bearer at the war, approach the command staff of the opposite side, hug them, set off paintball grenades and shout 'Suicide bomber!'
 
188. Skippy is not allowed to substitute whisky for water, even if it IS single malt.
 
189. Especially if it is single malt.
 
190. Lord Skippy WILL, on the way home from *this* event, replace the collapsible water containers that proved, at the *last* event, to ALL have holes in the bottoms.
 
191. Baron Skippy will not shoot marshmallow ammo with a marshmallow crossbow in court.
 
192. Even though he was hitting the jester and only the jester
 
193. Even though the jester deserved it
 
194. Because that random bankshot just might hit Her Majesty in the ankle
 
195. Nor will Baron Skippy try blaming the entire incident on his students/apprentices/whatever
 
196. Not even if it was their crossbow and ammo he was using.
 
197. His Majesty Skippy is not allowed to surf into His Own Court wearing a Hawaiian shirt, several leis and trying to 'hang ten' on a picnic bench while being carried by four stalwart warriors to the sound of conga drums and bongos beating out a savage rhythm.
 
198. On second thought - An Tir is a Western Rite Kingdom - of *course* the King is allowed to do Anything that Pleases Him.
 
199. Sir Skippy MAY NOT use sump pit as White belt pit.
 
200. Duke Skippy MAY NOT bring pom poms to war so children can do cheers on side line of battle
 
201. Chirurgeon Skippy MAY NOT practice blood letting on persons s/he doesn't like while dunk or sober
 
202. Bard Skippy MAY NOT sing bunny foo foo any where near any of the merchants
 
203. Even if it is the new Chernobyl version
 
204. Sir Skippy my NOT have girl child on shoulders and have said girl child scream WE RUN BARTER TOWN WE ARE MASTER BLASTER.
 
205. Also Baroness Skippy who runs Shire Pennsic Site should not say to Shire Members after they are having a crappy War "Well quit walking around "naked"
 
206. Baroness Skippy is not allowed to throw a brick of fire crackers into a fire in the Atenveldt camp at Estrella, scream "OUTLANDS!" and run.
 
207. It is respectfully submitted that HRM Skippy may wish not to yell "Outlands!" after pulling a prank...on the King of the Outlands.
 
208. Baroness Skippy is not allowed to use adult sex toys in the construction of any SCA weapon.
 
209. Even if they are legal.
 
210. Even if they are covered in duck tape.
 
211. Including making a rapier non-rigid parry device with 3 speeds.
 
212. Baroness Skippy is not allowed to use any dog toys that might look like sex toys in the construction of any SCA weapon.
 
213. Baroness Skippy is not allowed to construct any SCA weapon.
 
214. Squire Skippy shall not put duct tape signs on the back plate of friends that say "Hi My name is ______ I'm horny ask me about the joys of MAN LOVE!"
 
215. Even if it's at the behest of the guy's knight
 
216. Especially if the guy will be in the front line of the field battle where everyone can read it
 
217. Especially if the guy wears it all the way to the field and no one in the camp tells him and they all take pictures to post in the net.
 
218. Herald Skippy is not allowed to change the names or titles of the monarchs when heralding court.
 
219. Herald Skippy is not allowed to change accents while heralding court.
 
220. Herald Skippy is not allowed to call the monarchs "mom" and "dad" during court.
 
221. Herald Skippy is not allowed to play "Court Bingo" while heralding court.
 
222. Herald Skippy is not allowed to play "Court Bingo." period.
 
223. Herald Skippy shall not call the new baron by the baroness' husband's name during their investiture.
 
224. Master Herald Skippy will not herald court after judging the brewing competition.
 
225. Herald Skippy is not allowed to herald court.
 
226. Mercenary Skippy is not allowed to have red over blue over red etc. stickers on his troops helmets in case it looks like a good time to switch sides.
 
227. Master Skippy is not allowed to put enemy color stickers on the back of the helmet of his household members’ right before a battle.
 
228. Duke Skippy is not allowed to bring blow up sheep to a chivalry meeting.
 
229. Even if they are a dowry.
 
230. Especially if the event is at a church.
 
231. Especially if the event is at a Catholic church
 
232. Baroness Skippy will not use someone's codpiece as a target for ring toss
 
233. Especially while he's wearing it.
 
234. And definitely not with rings of bread at feast.
 
235. Squire Skippy should not wear a codpiece under his tunic while serving feast.
 
236. Baroness Skippy will not say, "Is that a codpiece under your tunic or are you just happy to see me?" just to see if he drops the tray he's carrying.
 
237. Squire Skippy, will not wear the Lady Fair's circlet and veil
and sing I feel Pretty Oh So Pretty and Witty and HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY at the coronation feast
 
236. Warlord Skippy is to tell his troops that "Hey, M......er F........er YOUR DEAD!!!!" is not the best way to inform their opponents that they consider the last shot to be good.
 
237. Even if the marshal did it.
 
238. Especially if the female marshal did it.
 
239. Seneschal Skippy is not allowed to THREATEN the contestants with "certain bedroom related favors" from the new Baroness.
 
240. Even if it was an accident.
 
241. Especially not at that volume.
 
242. Even if the new baron called it the baronial defense plan before.
 
243. Even if Seneschal Skippy actually got a book of etiquette for that slip.
 
245. Squire Skippy is to no longer plan tournaments that have a 1 hour pre-game show with a packed amphitheatre style seating and a concert quality sound system for the theme music.
 
246. Even if the fighters and the populous like it and schedule their travel plans around it.
 
247. Especially if the police are called by the folks across the lake
 
248. Squire Skippy is not to convince the baronial populace to show up at a neighbor barony's 'family reunion' event dressed in matching pin stripe outfits with new family names.
 
249. At said event it is not proper to arrange to leave a papier-mâché horse head in the neighboring seneschal's bed.
 
250. A "real" horse head is not proper either even if the rate is reasonable.
 
251. Squire Skippy is not to convince the baronial populace to attend the neighbor barony's war dressed as cut rate superheroes.
 
252. Even if the 'missive' said send us your heroes
 
253. Baroness Skippy is not to tell newbies on the other side that there are people who they can just see the waist of are knights (when they aren't) during long holds just to see the newbies shake.
 
254. Squire Skippy is forbidden by law to "own a hat, hold a hat or KNOW THE WHEREABOUTS OF A HAT when Tim the Naked is in sightline of the Crown."
 
255. Squire Skippy is not allowed to make and use a "Thrusting Sporran" against fighters on their knees....
 
256. Squire Skippy is not allowed to "Nude Mud-wrestle" at events, even if it is against willing nude female fighters who goat him into it.
 
257. Squire Skippy shall not amuse himself while on guard duty at the royal pavilion.
 
258. Even if it looks perfectly innocent.
 
259. Especially if it looks perfectly innocent!
 
260. Squire Skippy is not allowed to use the Booke of Chivalry by Melvyn de Charny as a practical guide and text book for teaching new fighters the arts of chivalry.
 
261. Nor is he allowed to use "Green Boot".
 
262. Nor Machiavelli's "The Prince"
 
263. Squire Skippy is not allowed to teach new fighters the arts of chivalry period.
 
264. Squire Skippy is not allowed to put lamp shades on sleeping knight's heads, just because it matches their chain.
 
265. Squire Skippy is not allowed to use sex toys in the construction of any cod piece.
 
266. No mater how many speeds it has.
 
267. Especially if there is a stuffed weasel involved.
 
268. Squire Skippy is no longer allowed use the phrase "Wanna pet my weasel?"
 
269. Squire Skippy is no longer allowed to warm his knights hauberk over the camp fire during winter events
 
270. Squire Skippy is not allowed to use squeaky toys in the construction of any codpiece.
 
271. Especially when Lady Skippy puts the squeaky toy in the codpiece without Skippy knowing.
 
272. Even if she likes the look on big burly fighters' faces when she walks up to them, reaches over & grabs hubby's codpiece…and it squeaks.
 
273. Squire Skippy is not allowed to offer kids free rides on the catapult.
 
274. Squire Skippy is not allowed to offer rides on the catapult to anyone at any price.
 
275. Squire Skippy may not ask a Demo audience how to say *Trebuchet* in French.
 
276. Catapult ammo would not be cooler if it was on fire.
 
277. Even though my knight has sworn an oath of honesty and thus theoretically cannot lie, it does NOT necessarily follow that he "likes big butts and cannot lie."
 
278. Even if he actually does like big butts.
 
279. ESPECIALLY if he likes big butts and cannot lie.
 
280. No matter how much my knight looked to enjoy the butt grabs from several women at the GW know world party - Squire Skippy is NOT allowed grab some too.
 
281. Even if he's sworn to "cover my knight's ass"
 
282. Nor is he allowed to throw his butt in-between the lady's hand and his knight's butt, because he's a bodyguard and need to "save his knight's ass."
 
283. Even if Squire Skippy shouts "Took the shot for you, my knight!  Your pure virtue is safe!"
 
284. Gourmand Skippy is not allowed to loudly comment on the feast especially if it is a bad feast.
 
285. Gourmand Skippy is not allowed to order in pizza to the feast hall during feast.
 
286. Gourmand Skippy is not allowed to order in pizza to the feast hall EVEN if he shares it with the King.
 
287. Armoursmith Skippy may not "adjust" armour with a hammer, heat gun, and blade or drill while it is still strapped on someone.
 
288. Squire Skippy is not allowed to demonstrate how to use the cat o'nine tails in the merchant's booth
 
289. Squire Skippy is not allowed to dress in Pirate garb then ask the ladies if they'd like to see his "buried treasure".
 
290. Skippy will not drum up interest and then lead a large contingent of horny SCAdians to a swimming pool at midnight for a nekkid party in the water unless he wants to be reminded about "that night" for decades to come.
 
291. Squire Skippy should remember that when sent out to get beer that he should make sure that some of the beer gets back...
 
292. Lord Skippy is no longer allowed to "annex" neighboring groups to the local group by applying the modifiers: east, west, north, or south.
 
293. Baroness Skippy is not allowed to retire to her tent (with thin white walls) along with Sir Skippy & a new taper candle, to enjoy some marital relations.
 
294. Even if the king, plus his entire retinue, had set themselves up in chairs in a semi-circle around the front of the tent to watch the show, complete with coolers & snack tables…and score cards.
 
295. Lady McSkippy will not act surprised by anything she finds during a kilt check.
 
296. Lady McSkippy will not expect a PG answer to the question "what's under your kilt?"
 
297. Lord Skippy will not act surprised when Lady Skippy insists he prove the truth of his non PG "kilt check" answer.
 
298. Even if surrounded by on looking SCAdians.
 
299. Especially if surrounded by on looking SCAdians.
 
300. Lord Skippy is no longer allowed to ask the king, "Hey can I have my bottle Back DUDE."
 
301. Even if the king just chugged down Lord Skippy's Cordial
 
302. Skippy Junior may not give the queen of the other side a stuffed plague rat he bought at war and declare that our side has won the war because the other side now is plague ridden.
 
303. Lord Skippy should remember that swearing fealty thru the stall door of the men's room while His Majesty is having his daily constitutionary is NOT acceptable.
 
304. Squire Skippy should remember that "if ya ain't payin' for the beer, then ya shouldn't complain about it."
 
305. Duke Skippy should not "moon" the enemy's encampment, even if he is drunk and with old friends.
 
306. Duke Skippy should also not "woof his cookies" into his long suffering squires' armor bag.
 
307. Lord Skippy is not allowed to use 'cattle" as a trebuchet/catapult fodder, even if it is a Stuffed Cow.
 
308. Celtic Skippy is not allowed to discuss going Regimental at a Demo.
 
309. A&S Skippy is not allowed to practice documented assassination techniques on any of the collective "Brass Hats", including the BOD.
 
310. And if Skippy does, he is not allowed to write a formal A&S paper w/ photos.
 
311. However, the Populace is allowed to debate if said assassination is A&S or service.
 
312. Squire Skippy will refrain from putting a rock in an A&S competition as a medieval weapon.
 
313. Lady Skippy the Autocrat and Lady Skippy the Co Autocrat may not Toast or Hoot and "Hollah" the WALK OF SHAME man with coffee at 7:30am, even if the Chick is not that light on the eyes.
 
314. Lady Skippy can tie a blue ribbon onto Husband Lord Skippy-san at an Event and but must come home with it....
 
315. Merchant Skippy isn't allowed to give out free coffee candy for the trip home to the children of annoying customers
 
316. Even if the kids are misbehaving,
 
317. Even if they are already buzzing from too much sugar & caffeine already,
 
318. Especially if they are already buzzing from too much sugar & caffeine already.
 
319. Merchant Skippy is not allowed to wander around Pennsic with deerskin halter tops suggesting to Ladies that he has a "Couple of positions to fill on his staff"
 
320. Even if he has assorted sizes of halter tops
 
321. Especially if he describes the positions as "Small, Medium, Large & "Oh! MY GOD'."
 
322. Merchant Skippy is not allowed to sponsor a night of exotic male dancing for the Ladies in the food court at Pennsic.
 
323. Even if he did have a Pickle Auction for the Lords.
 
324. Autocrat Skippy is not allowed to delegate the laying of the fire for the roast lamb to the blacksmiths,
 
325. Even if they are good at starting fires,
 
326. Especially if they get the fire hot enough to do pattern welding.
 
327. Head Cook Skippy will not bring her one person personal food processor to do a three remove feast for 300,
 
328. Even if she hasn't done any prep work on the feast,
 
329. Especially if she didn't arrange enough help prior to the feast.
 
330. Sir Skippy shall not courteously hand his sword to the unarmed fighter who asks him for it during battle, without checking which side unarmed fighter is on, so as not to be killed by his own weapon.
 
331. Skippy the Archer is not allowed to take his bow down range when retrieving arrows from a clout shoot.
 
332. Especially if, instead of carrying them, he intends to shoot the arrows back.
 
333. And narrowly misses a peer, thereby guaranteeing a court right then and there!
 
334. Squire Skippy is not allowed to sing The Masturbation Song in front of the royalty of two kingdoms and a principality.
 
335. Even if His Majesty threatened him with being a pell unless he sang.
 
336. Even if it's the only song he knows.
 
337. Even if the Kings join in.
 
338. Especially if the Kings join in.
 
339. Squire Skippy shall not add a "beer tax" to the gate fee for all arriving after dark. Or before dark.
 
340. Lady Skippy, having shown the good sense to take her Coleman lantern outside her tent to refill it, on the ground, because the **** thing always spills while being refueled, will not light said lantern and then *set it in the puddle of spilled fuel.

Latest revision as of 14:58, 19 August 2008

Hi,

Some friends on the Armour Archive are making a "SCA Skippy List" for the SCA. Look at http://www.skippyslist.com for a reference. Oddly enough, most of these have apparently happened.

1-25

1. Sir Skippy promises to "wear appropriate clothes in Their Majesties presence." This covers the time where I wore nothing but a lime green bath towel to a chiv meeting... and yes, it was rather drafty...

2. Full-body woad, by itself, is not garb.

3. I will not ask a duke, "So what are you going to do about it" when both of us are in armor.

4. Skippy will not wear his/her spurs in bed.

5. While baby-sitting Squire Skippy knight's daughter, s/he will not teach her any dirty words to call daddy.

6. Squire Skippy is not allowed to borrow his knight’s armour and go insult the Tuchuxs, then return the armour to his knight in time for the great field battle at Pennsic.

7. Apprentice Skippy is not allowed to demonstrate vat dyeing or the making of niello upwind of his Laurel at *ANY* time.

8. Sir Skippy may not duct tape his athletic cup to his flesh so he can go fighting.

9. Laurel Skippy will not make a set of "boffer" spurs for a Knight so he could wear them on his water bed...

10. Even as a Christmas present.

11. Even if the Knight thought he was going to have to call the EMTs due to his wife laughing so hard.

12. Equestrian Skippy is no longer permitted to tell the SEM he is disconnected from reality.

13. Even if s/he is allowed to produce pictures and videotape to prove it.

14. Skippy is no longer allowed to use logic in arguments with Society officers. If God had wanted my view to prevail He would have made me an officer.

15. Duct tape is an unacceptable armor construction material.

16. No matter how thick Skippy layer it.

17. Simply writing the words "douche bag" on an A&S form is not proper feedback, even if it is in Latin or runes.

18. Man-at-arms Skippy is not allowed to play monopoly in his tent with his lady while giggling, making the barony think he and his lady are getting it on within..

19. "Kill them all. God will know his own." is not an acceptable form of pep-talk to squires before a tournament.

20. Must not teach children to reflexively yell, "light!" whenever they bump into things.

21. Fighter is not allowed to strew pitch on the field, and not allowed under any circumstances to light arrows on fire to make a battle "more historical AND interesting"

22. If, in planning for a battle, an idea makes Skippy giggle for more than 15 seconds, s/he should assume Skippy is not allowed to use it.

23. If an idea makes Nissan Maxima or Sir Vitus giggle for more than 15 seconds, notify emergency personnel immediately.

24. The Coopers do not accept claims of sovereign territory.

25. Skippy is not allowed to let his/her squire brother "kill" the army commander right after orders are given before a major battle.

26-50

26. Even if it is deserved.

27. Even if he is first in line.

28. Skippy is not allowed to use any of my squire brothers as collateral for a bet.

29. Or payment of a bet.

30. Even for beer.

31. Skippy is not allowed to put a member of my fighting unit on the end of a spear for "better reach".

32. Even if it is not technically against the rules.

33. Even if she is small enough in full armour.

34. Especially if she is fighting sword and shield.

35. If attacking the fort at Pennsic, Skippy is NOT allowed to knock and say "Pizza delivery" or “alcoholic beverage shipment”.

36. Or "Candygram".

37. Or "landshark".

38. Or any quote any skit from SNL.

39. Even if a knight starts it.

40. Especially if his/her knight starts it.

41. Royal retainers are not allowed to respond with "God wills it!" whenever they are given a command by the king.

42. Even if the king's persona is a crusader.

43. Especially if the king's persona is a Viking.

44. Royal retainers are not allowed to tell people they are on the "goon squad"

45. Or "the royal secret police"

46. Especially when delivering summons by the king.

47. Even if they are.

48. Especially if they are.

49. Skippy is not allowed to sing "Ten Little Indians" while hitting enemy fighters with a polearm.

50. Even if they are good shots.

51-75

51. Especially if I get a rhythm going.

52. Skippy is not allowed to mark his armour with yellow duct tape and call myself a mass weapon.

53. Skippy is not allowed to mark heavy fighters with yellow duct tape and call them mass weapons.

54. Skippy is not allowed to mark laurels with yellow duct tape and call them mass weapons of destruction.

55. Skippy is not allowed to shield surf into battle on a large scuti held by his four men-at-arms.

56. Skippy is not allowed to Lo-Jack the enemy commander so we can find him and kill him.

57. Skippy is not allowed to put cash bounties on the heads of people on his own side.

58. Skippy is not allowed to have strippers on the sidelines to distract opponents.

59. Skippy is not allowed to call the known world chivalry pussies and start his own wars.

60. The Crown does not accept the sworn fealty of sock-puppets.

61. Fighter Skippy will make no attempt to reprise the full plate armor sex scene from "Excalibur".

62. Squire Skippy shall not get loaded and walk around camp yelling, "I am Sir <insert knight's name> and you suck!" at top of my lungs.

63. If Squire Skippy is too hung over to fight, perhaps he'd like to carry water...wearing bunny fur bikini.

64. Squire Skippy is to remain sober and be responsible for preventing drunken knight from drowning in hot tub.

65. Squire Skippy shall not misplace hauberk on loan from knight.

66. Naval jelly is not suitable for cleaning knight's sword.

67. Axe-diving is not an appropriate pastime.

68. Challenging people to "chug" everclear & kool-aid is unacceptable.

69. If Squire Skippy's late-night visitor leaves behind any, umm, "interesting" souvenirs", a detailed explanation will be required at breakfast.

70. Sir Skippy cannot use sock puppets to claim additional "proxy votes" when the Crown is polling the Order during Knights' Council.

71. Sock puppets cannot be snitched off to the Crown as "rebel faction leaders" to get myself out of trouble with the Crowns: they won't buy it.

72. If they do buy it, run with it. God is smiling upon you today.

73. Sock puppets do not ride on the point of the Sword of State during Coronation processionals.

74. When Sir Skippy gets jacked up over this, she will not explain to people that the sock puppet is a metaphor for the relationship of the BoD over the Crown.

75. Night before the big field battle, in the fort, Squire Skippy cannot set up two life size dolls in cheap, fake armor in a very embarrassing position, make sure they look like a king from one side and a queen from the other.

76-100

76. Even if Squire Skippy kidnaps and makes drunk said royalty, or just plain clues them in.

77. Duke Skippy is not allowed to kidnap the opposite side Queen in the middle of the night.

78. Even if she's worth a war point.

79. Duke Skippy is not allow to kidnap the opposite Queen whether she's worth a war point or not, and even if she comes willing.

80. Duke Skippy not allow to kidnap ANY war point with the promise of all the booze you could drink.

81. Duke Skippy is not allowed to call the king a swamp rat.

82. Even if he is.

83. Squire Skippy is not allow to announce the feast as being a short menu being short bread, shrimp cocktail, small peas and carrots, and short cake for desert especially when Duke Sir John the Mad Celt is king. (NOTE: Duke John the Mad Celt is 5'4" in armour.)

84. Squire Skippy is not allowed to steal fellow shire member's stuffed sheep and sneak it into bed with the baron of another kingdom.

85. Sir Skippy is not allow to steal any stuffed sheep, blow up sheep, and adult video sheep and any other type sheep, sneak them into bed with any royalty and take pictures. And then post pictures to internet. Or mail glossy 8 by 10s to various SCA groups.

86. Squire Skippy is not allowed just to duck tape an axe and use on a fighter even if the marshal approves it.

87. Old Fart Skippy is not allowed to use toilet roll maces which have been left soaking in the rain and dried in the walk in freezer.

88. Squire Skippy is not allow to say he is Master Disaster and take apprentices.

89. Squire Skippy is not allowed to take period firearms to field to fight with.

90. Even if Duke Iam Rhino did not call the shot.

91. Squire Skippy is not allowed to ring the church bells for Nones, Prime or any call to prayer, even if the church and bell is period.

92. Squire Skippy is not allowed to substitute an air horn for church bells.

93. Squire Skippy is not allowed to serve rat soup even if it is real rat in the soup.

94. Squire Skippy is not allowed to serve rat soup ESPECIALLY if it is a real rat in the soup.

95. Squire Skippy is not allowed to help cook roasted pig even if long pig.

96. Squire Skippy is not allowed to duct tape any inebriated peer to the chirurgeon's backboard, then parade them through the war site. Especially not face down.

97. Sir Skippy of Sparta is not allowed to trip and shield surf down a hill on his new Hoplite Shield during a melee, thus creating the snowboarding craze in the West

98. Man-at-Arms Skippy shall not try the jumpy stabby move from the movie Troy

99. Newbie Skippy will not show up at an event dressed as a 1066 knight when everyone else is 1400ish and wearing duct tape.

100. Herald Skippy may not blow bubbles during the King's Court even if the Prince started it.

101-125

101. ESPECIALLY if the Prince started it.

102. Squire Skippy will not join a friend in an unannounced "Crown Tournament" bout with boffers in a Depleted Uranium Yard inside a barb wired fence inside of a REAL armed camp, and then annex the Middle East as "The Kingdom of the Smelly Sandbox" from the Kingdom of Drachenwald, because there are no other challengers for the Crown.

103. Fighter Skippy is not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove “The Pen is Mightier than the sword”.

104. Skippy cannot “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.

105. Even if his/her persona’s Celtic.

106. ESPECIALLY if his/her persona’s Celtic.

107. Duke Skippy may not challenge knights to “Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn”.

108. When finding oneself in a "boat battle" do not volunteer to be the "anchor".

109. When playing Predator and Prey, sitting on your captor is an unacceptable negotiation technique.

110. Squire Skippy is not allowed to use any combination of "mass weapon" to refer to penis size in pick-up lines.

111. Especially not to anyone in a pointy hat

112. Or women.

113. Or within a hundred-mile radius of a tavern.

114. Squire Skippy is not allowed to scale castle walls.

115. Especially if they are between three and five feet high.

116. Especially if it would capsize the castle.

117. Squire Skippy is not allowed to "spike" the waterbearer's water or kool aid.

118. Not even if it was his knight's idea.

119. Especially if it was his knight's idea.

120. It is not acceptable to invent a country to situate a persona.

121. Even with supporting documentation.

122. Squire Skippy is not allowed to pretend to be a left-handed fighter, purely so he can use the line, "But there's something you should know--I am not left-handed!"

123. Especially in rapier.

124. Extra especially in combat archery.

125. It is unchilvaric, when watching a parachute tent blow loose and run someone down to call, "light!"

126-150

126. Squire Skippy is not allowed to turn gate into a Tablaro household.

127. Squire Skippy is not allowed to sign up for Ithra, purely to meet women.

128. Squire Skippy must not tamper with the Chirugonate's supplies.

129. Especially to fake war wounds.

130. Squire Skippy is only allowed to burn in his firepit what his SCA mom says it’s ok to burn.

131. Gasoline is out.

132. Ditto napalm even if you have some handy.

133. Ditto the autocrat/constab.

134. Adding white gas after the fire is going to see how high the fireball can go is a bad idea.

135. Trying to pick up a drink off the ground while sitting in a Norse chair is a bad idea.

136. Especially if you have a wench on your lap.

137. Squire Skippy must look before freaking out at the lady who runs her cold hands down his neck from behind.

138. Especially if it’s not his Lady Wife.

139. Double especially if it’s the Queen.

140. Attempting to catch a fly-away Costco Garage is a bad idea.

141. Ditto any other large escaping tent.

142. Squire Skippy is not allowed to leave a lit candle in his pavilion or tent at night.

143. Even if he likes the glow it gives off.

144. Even if the candle is protected via glass shade.

145. Especially not if there is a can of bug spray next to the candle.

146. Especially not if the box/table is next to the wall of his pavilion.

147. Squire Skippy is never allowed to approach any King and announce, "I wanna be your Huckleberry!"

148. Even if he's drunk.

149. Especially if his knight suggests it.

150. Squire Skippy must always use the biffy to relieve himself.

151-153

151. Even if very drunk.

152. Even at a heavily wooded site.

153. Especially at a Coronation event.

Skippy's List Too

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