Skippy's List Too

154. Squire Skippy is not allowed to start fires for his camp-mates using a road flare and a pint of brake fluid...

155. Even if it's the only way to get wet wood to burn. Especially if the red glow can be seen all the way to the nearest small craft airport...

156. Squire Skippy is not allowed to use an indiscriminate amount of black powder during the 'start a period fire' portion of his Sergeant's exam...

157. Even if he says 'Black powder is period'.

158. Especially if he hasn't grown his eyebrows back from his first attempt.

159. Squire Skippy should remember that the way to help a lady across the muddy area is NOT to sling her over your shoulder and run full out shouting, "On to Dunkirk!!"

160. Squire Skippy should also realize that while helping a stranded motorist is chivalrous-- attempting to heave a whole Toyota out of the mud by oneself is foolish. And painful. In several areas of the body.

161. Squire Skippy should remember that Keg Tossing has much the same effect on one's body as the Toyota did.

162. Squire Skippy shall put out the candles in his tent before casting Kama Sutra Shadow puppets on his 10x10 white canvas tent wall.

163. Squire Skippy should not play his armpit when any group of musicians is performing.

164. Or demonstrate his ability as a woodwind.

165. Skippy shall not roar through the camp late at night, chasing Sir Megaduke and screaming, “Take me now, O Alpha Male of the realm!”

166. Squire Skippy is not allowed to volunteer for morning wake-up call. Ever again.

167. Especially not on bagpipes.

168. At six in the morning.

169. Squire Skippy is not allowed to approach Baroness Anne of Blatha an Oir as she is walking her dauchaunds with a package of hot dog buns and ask, "So, when's dinner?"

170. Squire Skippy is to keep his mouth shut on the archery range while a speed round is in progress.

171. Squire Skippy is not allowed to put up pictures of cute little kittens and puppies on the archery targets.

172. Even if he is allergic.

173. Skippy will remember that tents are NOT soundproof.

174. And remember how thin those walls are.

175. Skippy must supply a gag or pillow to keep his overly-noisy female visitor reasonably quiet whilst making Kama sutra pictures without candles.

176. Skippy will remember that the romantic candle may show people things about Skippy that he'd rather not have them know. (Corollary: Skippy's amante di notte [nighttime lover] may not want them knowing it either.)

177. Skippy will also not charge $1 per head for leading and narrating the "Shadow Porn Tour" of (fill in event here).

178. And remember how thin those walls are.

179. Especially at 2 a.m.

180. In the quiet section.

181. Squire Skippy shall remember that a can opener does not serve as a legal weapon against knights in full plate.

182. Squire Skippy will remember that a maille bikini is not legal armour.

183. Even if he thinks his lady looks "hot" in it.

184. Squire Skippy will remember that "kitten armour" is also not legal.

185. Especially if his knight put him up to trying it.

186. Squire Skippy should take his lady's word that she is a cheap drunk, and not accept it as a challenge.

187. Skippy is not allowed to dress up like a water bearer at the war, approach the command staff of the opposite side, hug them, set off paintball grenades, and shout, 'Suicide bomber!'

188. Skippy is not allowed to substitute whisky for water, even if it IS single malt.

189. Especially if it is single malt.

190. Lord Skippy WILL, on the way home from *this* event, replace the collapsible water containers that proved, at the *last* event, to ALL have holes in the bottoms.

191. Baron Skippy will not shoot marshmallow ammo with a marshmallow crossbow in court.

192. Even though he was hitting the jester and only the jester.

193. Even though the jester deserved it.

194. Because that random bankshot just might hit Her Majesty in the ankle.

195. Nor will Baron Skippy try blaming the entire incident on his students/apprentices/whatever.

196. Not even if it was their crossbow and ammo he was using.

197. His Majesty Skippy is not allowed to surf into His Own Court wearing a Hawaiian shirt, several leis, and trying to 'hang ten' on a picnic bench while being carried by four stalwart warriors to the sound of conga drums and bongos beating out a savage rhythm.

198. On second thought--An Tir is a Western Rite Kingdom--of *course* the King is allowed to do Anything that Pleases Him.

199. Sir Skippy MAY NOT use sump pit as White belt pit.

200. Duke Skippy MAY NOT bring pom poms to war so children can do cheers on the sidelines of battle.

201. Chirurgeon Skippy MAY NOT practice blood letting on persons s/he doesn't like while drunk or sober.

202. Bard Skippy MAY NOT sing Little Bunny Foo-Foo anywhere near any of the merchants.

203. Even if it is the new Chernobyl version.

204. Sir Skippy may NOT have girl child on shoulders and have said girl child scream, WE RUN BARTER TOWN! WE ARE MASTER BLASTER!

205. Also Baroness Skippy, who runs Shire Pennsic Site should not say to Shire Members after they are having a crappy War, "Well quit walking around "naked"

206. Baroness Skippy is not allowed to throw a brick of fire crackers into a fire in the Atenveldt camp at Estrella, scream "OUTLANDS!" and run.

207. It is respectfully submitted that HRM Skippy of [fill in the Kingdom] may wish not to yell "Outlands!" after pulling a prank...on the King of the Outlands.

208. Baroness Skippy is not allowed to use adult sex toys in the construction of any SCA weapon.

209. Even if they are legal.

210. Even if they are covered in duck tape.

211. Including making a rapier non-rigid parry device with 3 speeds.

212. Baroness Skippy is not allowed to use any dog toys that might look like sex toys in the construction of any SCA weapon.

213. Baroness Skippy is not allowed to construct any SCA weapon.

214. Squire Skippy shall not put duct tape signs on the back plate of friends that say, "Hi! My name is ______. I'm horny--ask me about the joys of MAN LOVE!"

215. Even if it's at the behest of the guy's knight.

216. Especially if the guy will be in the front line of the field battle where everyone can read it.

217. Especially if the guy wears it all the way to the field and no one in the camp tells him and they all take pictures to post in the net.

218. Herald Skippy is not allowed to change the names or titles of the monarchs when heralding court.

219. Herald Skippy is not allowed to change accents while heralding court.

220. Herald Skippy is not allowed to call the monarchs "mom" and "dad" during court.

221. Herald Skippy is not allowed to play "Court Bingo" while heralding court.

222. Herald Skippy is not allowed to play "Court Bingo." Period.

223. Herald Skippy shall not call the new baron by the baroness' husband's name during their investiture.

224. Master Herald Skippy will not herald court after judging the brewing competition.

225. Herald Skippy is not allowed to herald court.

226. Mercenary Skippy is not allowed to have red over blue over red etc. stickers on his troops helmets in case it looks like a good time to switch sides.

227. Master Skippy is not allowed to put enemy color stickers on the back of the helmet of his household members’ right before a battle.

228. Duke Skippy is not allowed to bring blowup sheep to a chivalry meeting.

229. Even if they are a dowry.

230. Especially if the event is at a church.

231. Especially if the event is at a Catholic church.

232. Baroness Skippy will not use someone's codpiece as a target for ring toss.

233. Especially while he's wearing it.

234. And definitely not with rings of bread at feast.

235. Squire Skippy should not wear a codpiece under his tunic while serving feast.

236. Baroness Skippy will not say, "Is that a codpiece under your tunic or are you just happy to see me?" just to see if he drops the tray he's carrying.

237. Squire Skippy, will not wear the Lady Fair's circlet and veil and sing "I feel Pretty Oh So Pretty and Witty and GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY" at the coronation feast.

236. Warlord Skippy is to tell his troops that "Hey, M......er F........er, YOU'RE DEAD!!!!" is not the best way to inform their opponents that they consider the last shot to be good.

237. Even if the marshal did it.

238. Especially if the female marshal did it.

239. Seneschal Skippy is not allowed to THREATEN the contestants with "certain bedroom related favors" from the new Baroness.

240. Even if it was an accident.

241. Especially not at that volume.

242. Even if the new baron called it the baronial defense plan before.

243. Even if Seneschal Skippy actually got a book of etiquette for that slip.

245. Squire Skippy is to no longer plan tournaments that have a 1 hour pre-game show with a packed amphitheatre style seating and a concert quality sound system for the theme music.

246. Even if the fighters and the populace like it and schedule their travel plans around it.

247. Especially if the police are called by the folks across the lake.

248. Squire Skippy is not to convince the baronial populace to show up at a neighbor barony's 'family reunion' event dressed in matching pin stripe outfits with new family names.

249. At said event, it is not proper to arrange to leave a papier-mâché horse head in the neighboring seneschal's bed.

250. A "real" horse head is not proper either even if the rate is reasonable.

251. Squire Skippy is not to convince the baronial populace to attend the neighbor barony's war dressed as cut-rate superheroes.

252. Even if the 'missive' said, Send us your heroes.

253. Baroness Skippy is not to tell newbies on the other side that there are people who they can just see the waist of are knights (when they aren't) during long holds just to see the newbies shake.

254. Squire Skippy is forbidden by law to "own a hat, hold a hat or KNOW THE WHEREABOUTS OF A HAT when Tim the Naked is in sightline of the Crown."

255. Squire Skippy is not allowed to make and use a "Thrusting Sporran" against fighters on their knees....

256. Squire Skippy is not allowed to "Nude Mud-wrestle" at events, even if it is against willing nude female fighters who goad him into it.

257. Squire Skippy shall not amuse himself while on guard duty at the royal pavilion.

258. Even if it looks perfectly innocent.

259. Especially if it looks perfectly innocent!

260. Squire Skippy is not allowed to use the Booke of Chivalry by Melvyn de Charny as a practical guide and text book for teaching new fighters the arts of chivalry.

261. Nor is he allowed to use "Green Boot".

262. Nor Machiavelli's "The Prince."

263. Squire Skippy is not allowed to teach new fighters the arts of chivalry period.

264. Squire Skippy is not allowed to put lamp shades on sleeping knight's heads, just because it matches their chain.

265. Squire Skippy is not allowed to use sex toys in the construction of any cod piece.

266. No matter how many speeds it has.

267. Especially if there is a stuffed weasel involved.

268. Squire Skippy is no longer allowed use the phrase "Wanna pet my weasel?"

269. Squire Skippy is no longer allowed to warm his knights hauberk over the camp fire during winter events.

270. Squire Skippy is not allowed to use squeaky toys in the construction of any codpiece.

271. Especially when Lady Skippy puts the squeaky toy in the codpiece without Skippy knowing.

272. Even if she likes the look on big burly fighters' faces when she walks up to them, reaches over & grabs hubby's codpiece…and it squeaks.

273. Squire Skippy is not allowed to offer kids free rides on the catapult.

274. Squire Skippy is not allowed to offer rides on the catapult to anyone at any price.

275. Squire Skippy may not ask a demo audience how to say *Trebuchet* in French.

276. Catapult ammo would not be cooler if it was on fire.

277. Even though my knight has sworn an oath of honesty and thus theoretically cannot lie, it does NOT necessarily follow that he "likes big butts and cannot lie."

278. Even if he actually does like big butts.

279. ESPECIALLY if he likes big butts and cannot lie.

280. No matter how much my knight looked to enjoy the butt grabs from several women at the GW Known World party--Squire Skippy is NOT allowed grab some too.

281. Even if he's sworn to "cover my knight's ass".

282. Nor is he allowed to throw his butt inbetween the lady's hand and his knight's butt, because he's a bodyguard and need to "save his knight's ass."

283. Even if Squire Skippy shouts, "Took the shot for you, my knight! Your pure virtue is safe!"

284. Gourmand Skippy is not allowed to loudly comment on the feast, especially if it is a bad feast.

285. Gourmand Skippy is not allowed to order in pizza to the feast hall during feast.

286. Gourmand Skippy is not allowed to order in pizza to the feast hall EVEN if he shares it with the King.

287. Armoursmith Skippy may not "adjust" armour with a hammer, heat gun, and blade or drill while it is still strapped on someone.

288. Squire Skippy is not allowed to demonstrate how to use the cat o'nine tails in the merchant's booth.

289. Squire Skippy is not allowed to dress in Pirate garb, then ask the ladies if they'd like to see his "buried treasure".

290. Skippy will not drum up interest and then lead a large contingent of horny SCAdians to a swimming pool at midnight for a nekkid party in the water unless he wants to be reminded about "that night" for decades to come.

291. Squire Skippy should remember that when sent out to get beer that he should make sure that some of the beer gets back...

292. Lord Skippy is no longer allowed to "annex" neighboring groups to the local group by applying the modifiers: East, West, North, or South.

293. Baroness Skippy is not allowed to retire to her tent (with thin white walls) along with Sir Skippy & a new taper candle, to enjoy some marital relations.

294. Even if the king, plus his entire retinue, had set themselves up in chairs in a semi-circle around the front of the tent to watch the show, complete with coolers & snack tables and... score cards.

295. Lady McSkippy will not act surprised by anything she finds during a kilt check.

296. Lady McSkippy will not expect a PG answer to the question, "what's under your kilt?"

297. Lord Skippy will not act surprised when Lady Skippy insists he prove the truth of his non-PG "kilt check" answer.

298. Even if surrounded by on looking SCAdians.

299. Especially if surrounded by on looking SCAdians.

Skippy's List Three

300. Lord Skippy is no longer allowed to ask the king, "Hey, can I have my bottle back, DUDE."

301. Even if the king just chugged down Lord Skippy's Cordial

302. Skippy Junior may not give the queen of the other side a stuffed plague rat he bought at war and declare that our side has won the war because the other side now is plague-ridden.

303. Lord Skippy should remember that swearing fealty thru the stall door of the men's room while His Majesty is having his daily constitutionary is NOT acceptable.

304. Squire Skippy should remember that "if ya ain't payin' for the beer, then ya shouldn't complain about it."

305. Duke Skippy should not "moon" the enemy's encampment, even if he is drunk and with old friends.

306. Duke Skippy should also not "woof his cookies" into his long-suffering squire's armor bag.

307. Lord Skippy is not allowed to use 'cattle" as a trebuchet/catapult fodder, even if it is a Stuffed Cow.

308. Celtic Skippy is not allowed to discuss going Regimental at a Demo.

309. A&S Skippy is not allowed to practice documented assassination techniques on any of the collective "Brass Hats", including the BOD.

310. And if Skippy does, he is not allowed to write a formal A&S paper with photos.

311. However, the Populace is allowed to debate if said assassination is A&S or service.

312. Squire Skippy will refrain from putting a rock in an A&S competition as a medieval weapon.

313. Lady Skippy the Autocrat and Lady Skippy the Co Autocrat may not Toast or Hoot and "Hollah" the WALK OF SHAME man with coffee at 7:30am, even if the Chick is not that light on the eyes.

314. Lady Skippy can tie a blue ribbon onto Husband Lord Skippy-san at an Event and but must come home with it....

315. Merchant Skippy isn't allowed to give out free coffee candy for the trip home to the children of annoying customers.

316. Even if the kids are misbehaving.

317. Even if they are already buzzing from too much sugar & caffeine already.

318. Especially if they are already buzzing from too much sugar & caffeine already.

319. Merchant Skippy is not allowed to wander around Pennsic with deerskin halter tops suggesting to Ladies that he has a "Couple of positions to fill on his staff."

320. Even if he has assorted sizes of halter tops.

321. Especially if he describes the positions as "Small, Medium, Large & "O MY GOD."

322. Merchant Skippy is not allowed to sponsor a night of exotic male dancing for the Ladies in the food court at Pennsic.

323. Even if he did have a Pickle Auction for the Lords.

324. Autocrat Skippy is not allowed to delegate the laying of the fire for the roast lamb to the blacksmiths.

325. Even if they are good at starting fires.

326. Especially if they get the fire hot enough to do pattern welding.

327. Head Cook Skippy will not bring her one person personal food processor to do a three-remove feast for 300.

328. Even if she hasn't done any prep work on the feast.

329. Especially if she didn't arrange enough help prior to the feast.

330. Sir Skippy shall not courteously hand his sword to the unarmed fighter who asks him for it during battle, without checking which side unarmed fighter is on, so as not to be killed by his own weapon.

331. Skippy the Archer is not allowed to take his bow down range when retrieving arrows from a clout shoot.

332. Especially if, instead of carrying them, he intends to shoot the arrows back.

333. And narrowly misses a peer, thereby guaranteeing a court right then and there!

334. Squire Skippy is not allowed to sing The Masturbation Song in front of the royalty of two kingdoms and a principality.

335. Even if His Majesty threatened him with being a pell unless he sang.

336. Even if it's the only song he knows.

337. Even if the Kings join in.

338. Especially if the Kings join in.

339. Squire Skippy shall not add a "beer tax" to the gate fee for all arriving after dark. Or before dark.

340. Lady Skippy, having shown the good sense to take her Coleman lantern outside her tent to refill it, on the ground, because the **** thing always spills while being refueled, will not light said lantern and then set it in the puddle of spilled fuel.

341. Skippy will not hold a tourney in a land that was claimed for An Tir by Dame Rowan over a decade earlier. Refer to item 102.

342. Baroness Skippy will not at any time say especially during business meetings, sergeants trials & gatherings or in court "I've been thinking ..."

343. In case Baroness Skippy does say "I've been thinking..." Said members of populace (especially Skippy sergeants) will not hide under tables, pretend to be asleep or bolt from the room. The ones too slow to run (Due to physical conditions or resigned to her thinking) will not block the door so that they are not the only one left to be volunteered

345. Baroness Skippy will not look longingly at the ice cream bar someone is eating while they are walking in the door at an indoor where she is sitting gate and say "Oh! That's looks so good!”